Johnny Depp: Barnabas Collins

Dark Shadows

Barnabas Collins

Angelique Bouchard: I'm going to make an offer to you, Barnabas. My last. You can join me by my side and we can run Collinsport together as partners, and lovers... or I'll put you back in the box.
Barnabas Collins: I have already prepared my counter-proposal. It reads thusly: You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly!

Carolyn Stoddard: [sees Barnabas for the first time] Are you stoned or something?
Barnabas Collins: They tried stoning me, my dear. It did not work.
[to Willie]
Barnabas Collins: When did they start allowing women of the night on the estate grounds?

Carolyn Stoddard: I don't feel comfortable discussing this with you.
Barnabas Collins: Do not fear, my child. I simply seek advice on the art of courting a woman of this time... Land. And who better to tutor me than a woman of your age? What is your age, if I may?
Carolyn Stoddard: Fifteen.
Barnabas Collins: Fifteen and no husband. You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're weird.
Barnabas Collins: But do you think me too weird for a woman of this... land?
Carolyn Stoddard: You obviously mean Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: She has the most fertile birthing hips I have ever laid eyes upon.
Carolyn Stoddard: You're way too weird.
Barnabas Collins: Do you really think so?
Carolyn Stoddard: You're all stiff, proper and old-fashioned.
Barnabas Collins: And Victoria... Is she not proper?
Carolyn Stoddard: She likes to pretend she's rock 'n' roll. She's a Carpenters kind of chick for sure.
Barnabas Collins: Do you mean to say that she has a penchant for woodworkers?
Carolyn Stoddard: The Carpenters are musicians, stupid.
Barnabas Collins: Ah, music. Yes, I'm rather fond of the music of the day. "I am a picker, I am a grinner / I am a lover and I am a sinner / I play my music in the sun" If only Shakespeare had been as eloquent.
Carolyn Stoddard: Okay. If you wanna get with her, you're gonna have to change your approach. Drop the whole weird Swinging London thing and hang out with a few normal people.

Barnabas Collins: Here are my terms: Goest thou to hell, and swiftly please, and there may Azmodaeus himself suckle from your diseased teat!

Angelique Bouchard: [wanting Barnabas to love her] What if I made you?
Barnabas Collins: With what, a spell? A little doll with pins? That is not love!
Angelique Bouchard: With THIS!
[starts to strip]
Barnabas Collins: Oh.
Angelique Bouchard: With the body you once begged me for!
Barnabas Collins: I must admit, those have not aged a day...

Carolyn Stoddard: [about the planned ball] I have to hand it to you. This is a happening. I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.
Barnabas Collins: Perhaps you should go and acquaint yourself with the evening's entertainment.
[At the ball, he sees who Alice Cooper really is]
Barnabas Collins: ...ugliest woman I've ever seen.

[last lines]
Barnabas Collins: [narrates] It is said that blood is thicker than water. It is what joins us, binds us... curses us. My name is Barnabas Collins, and my curse has finally been broken.

Barnabas Collins: Josette...
Victoria Winters: My name is Victoria Winters. Please, call me Vicky.
Barnabas Collins: Enchanted. But I shall call you Victoria, a name so wonderful to me that I could not stand to lose a single syllable of it.

Barnabas Collins: [holds a fork] I see you have been driven to even sell the prized family silverware.
Roger Collins: How can you tell? Those are exact replicas.
Barnabas Collins: Had this been silver, I would have burst into flame at the slightest touch.
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Yes, you mentioned that you had a terrible silver allergy.

Dr. Julia Hoffman: Please forgive me! You're a good man! You're a gentleman! Please, please...
Barnabas Collins: Madam, I am neither good nor gentle! And I do not forgive!
[bites her]

Barnabas Collins: I have spent the last two centuries locked in a box, with nothing to keep me occupied but a glimpse into the dark shadows of my soul.

Barnabas Collins: [enters Dr Hoffman's laboratory] We must intensify our efforts! I have an urgent need to be human again!
[stops short as he sees Julia injecting herself with blood]
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I can explain...
Barnabas Collins: My God! You're not using your blood to make me human. You're using my blood to make yourself immortal!
Dr. Julia Hoffman: Barnabas, you have a gift. You better get a hold over yourself...
Barnabas Collins: The Collins family took you in and bestowed their sacred trust upon you, and you brazenly betray that trust?
Dr. Julia Hoffman: I'm sorry. I just didn't want to grow old. I want to be beautiful, and I want to live forever like you.
Barnabas Collins: I am afraid that is out of the question!

[at a hippie commune]
Barnabas Collins: I am reminded of a line from Erich Segal's 'Love Story': "Love means never having to say you're sorry." However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.
[screaming is heard at the commune]

Barnabas Collins: Tell me, what do you know of Barnabas Collins?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Just legends, really. Two centuries ago, a witch turned him into a vampire and locked him away.
Barnabas Collins: What is known of his death?
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Nothing.
Barnabas Collins: That, madam, is because he never died. I am Barnabas Collins.
[reveals a secret passage]
Elizabeth Collins Stoddard: Then, you...
Barnabas Collins: I am a vampire, madam. But I am also a Collins, and I swear by all I hold sacred I will not harm anyone under this roof.

[Someone enters the mausoleum where Barnabas is imprisoned]
Barnabas Collins: Who's there? Oh, please, I swear on Heaven you will come to no harm! Please! Please! How many decades has it been?
David Collins: It's been twenty minutes.
Barnabas Collins: Oh, Master David! However did you find me?
David Collins: My mommy told me. You must think I'm crazy...
Barnabas Collins: Master David, I think nothing of the sort!